In the Darkness
Have you ever been in a dark place? I am not talking about in your closet or in an underground cave. I am referring to a dark place of the soul; an emotional pit of hopelessness. Several years ago I experienced a season in my life like this.
It was about a year after my Dad passed away and we had just moved back from serving at a church in the Panhandle. I also was going through a very early menopause. All these things combined seemed to throw me into a downward spiral. I would wake up each morning and feel like a ton of bricks was on my chest. I would cry and pray and beg God to let me know why I felt this way. I knew I must be walking through another stage of grief regarding my Dad. Dad and I were very close. Actually, we had a co-dependent relationship that wasn't always healthy. Nonetheless, I felt a huge hole in my heart. I remember days of this cloud of sadness hanging over my head. Chad would pray over me and friends would encourage me but I remained sad. During this time, I examined my heart...alot. I asked God to show me anything that didn't please Him in my life; attitudes, selfishness, ungratefulness and so forth. As He would bring something to my heart I would repent. Although I felt peace after this time of soul-searching, I still felt sad. I would try everything to feel better. I would shop, exercise harder, take more naps, eat chocolate fudge sundaes, go out to eat, talk to friends, try new hairstyles (and color), and more. I just felt sad. Each morning as I would get up to write in my prayer journal, I would beg God to take this away...or at least show me what's happening. One morning during that quiet time, God led me to the answer I needed. It was nestled in Isaiah 50:10-11:
WHO AMONG YOU FEARS THE LORD AND OBEYS HIS SERVANT? IF YOU ARE WALKING IN DARKNESS WITHOUT A RAY OF LIGHT, TRUST IN THE LORD AND RELY ON YOUR GOD. BUT WATCH OUT, YOU WHO LIVE IN YOUR OWN LIGHT AND WARM YOURSELVES BY YOUR OWN FIRES. THIS IS THE REWARD YOU WILL RECEIVE FROM ME . YOU WILL SOON FALL DOWN IN GREAT TORMENT.
Trust in the Lord and rely on your God! I had been struggling, fighting, grasping, fretting,and searching but I had not been simply trusting. I felt as if God was saying, "Stop trying to fix your problem and just trust me!". At that moment, I realized that even though I was walking through this dark time, I didn't have to understand why or have a solution because I could trust His love for me and His plan. I had been trying to "warm myself by my own fires". Instead of simply taking God's hand and day by day (or hour by hour) taking one step at a time, I was frantically searching for relief. I was trying alot of ways to cheer myself up but overlooking just simply TRUSTING my Father. God wanted me to search for HIM not just relief. He is all I need and in Him and only Him I can find quietness of soul.
I would love to say that at that very moment all of my sadness disappeared; but it didn't. God is too good to always make things easy. He wants us to grow and learn His heart. He didn't take away the storm but He calmed my heart. Now, I want to be clear that I am not saying don't search your heart, pray with friends, rest, exercise or even have a hot fudge sundae. I am saying that TRUSTING GOD should be our first step and then as HE shows us the next plan of action, take it. I am saying that even when we are walking in the darkness that our first step should be to fall at God's feet and trust His heart.
Are you in a dark place today? Are you crying more than you are laughing? Do you feel like things are so dark you don't know where to turn first? Let me encourage you, sister, to just simply run to God. Be still and remind yourself Who is in control. (Psalms 46:10) He is faithful and He will lead you through this storm and bring victory in due time. After you come out of this valley, you will be able to encourage others and share with them your story. Look up friend! He's waiting for you!
In His grip,
Melaina
It was about a year after my Dad passed away and we had just moved back from serving at a church in the Panhandle. I also was going through a very early menopause. All these things combined seemed to throw me into a downward spiral. I would wake up each morning and feel like a ton of bricks was on my chest. I would cry and pray and beg God to let me know why I felt this way. I knew I must be walking through another stage of grief regarding my Dad. Dad and I were very close. Actually, we had a co-dependent relationship that wasn't always healthy. Nonetheless, I felt a huge hole in my heart. I remember days of this cloud of sadness hanging over my head. Chad would pray over me and friends would encourage me but I remained sad. During this time, I examined my heart...alot. I asked God to show me anything that didn't please Him in my life; attitudes, selfishness, ungratefulness and so forth. As He would bring something to my heart I would repent. Although I felt peace after this time of soul-searching, I still felt sad. I would try everything to feel better. I would shop, exercise harder, take more naps, eat chocolate fudge sundaes, go out to eat, talk to friends, try new hairstyles (and color), and more. I just felt sad. Each morning as I would get up to write in my prayer journal, I would beg God to take this away...or at least show me what's happening. One morning during that quiet time, God led me to the answer I needed. It was nestled in Isaiah 50:10-11:
WHO AMONG YOU FEARS THE LORD AND OBEYS HIS SERVANT? IF YOU ARE WALKING IN DARKNESS WITHOUT A RAY OF LIGHT, TRUST IN THE LORD AND RELY ON YOUR GOD. BUT WATCH OUT, YOU WHO LIVE IN YOUR OWN LIGHT AND WARM YOURSELVES BY YOUR OWN FIRES. THIS IS THE REWARD YOU WILL RECEIVE FROM ME . YOU WILL SOON FALL DOWN IN GREAT TORMENT.
Trust in the Lord and rely on your God! I had been struggling, fighting, grasping, fretting,and searching but I had not been simply trusting. I felt as if God was saying, "Stop trying to fix your problem and just trust me!". At that moment, I realized that even though I was walking through this dark time, I didn't have to understand why or have a solution because I could trust His love for me and His plan. I had been trying to "warm myself by my own fires". Instead of simply taking God's hand and day by day (or hour by hour) taking one step at a time, I was frantically searching for relief. I was trying alot of ways to cheer myself up but overlooking just simply TRUSTING my Father. God wanted me to search for HIM not just relief. He is all I need and in Him and only Him I can find quietness of soul.
I would love to say that at that very moment all of my sadness disappeared; but it didn't. God is too good to always make things easy. He wants us to grow and learn His heart. He didn't take away the storm but He calmed my heart. Now, I want to be clear that I am not saying don't search your heart, pray with friends, rest, exercise or even have a hot fudge sundae. I am saying that TRUSTING GOD should be our first step and then as HE shows us the next plan of action, take it. I am saying that even when we are walking in the darkness that our first step should be to fall at God's feet and trust His heart.
Are you in a dark place today? Are you crying more than you are laughing? Do you feel like things are so dark you don't know where to turn first? Let me encourage you, sister, to just simply run to God. Be still and remind yourself Who is in control. (Psalms 46:10) He is faithful and He will lead you through this storm and bring victory in due time. After you come out of this valley, you will be able to encourage others and share with them your story. Look up friend! He's waiting for you!
In His grip,
Melaina
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